india.

If you find yourself here, that means you are interested in what I have to say…which is encouraging to me. I should probably put a disclaimer that we are not pregnant or moving. So, if you only came over here to find out if that’s the case, sorry (not sorry) to disappoint.

Most of you know that Charlie and I have a heart for foreign nations, and that we have both been hardwired by the Lord to live missionally. He calls us to live and love with intention, and we are thankful to have had the opportunity to do this through Apartment Life as a Cares Team at our apartment community. It’s been so rewarding for us! We have been a Cares Team now for 6 months, and it has been unlike anything we have ever done. God has been so faithful and surprising in this ministry!

So, we wanted to share some really exciting news with you! This November, we will be joining our church, 121 Community Church, on mission to New Delhi, India for 10 days. We will be serving the city of Delhi through COI (Cooperative Outreach of India), as well as meeting up with partners in mission there that we have established relationships with in and around the city. The info we have is pretty basic, but we will be learning more and more as we prepare to go. We are beyond excited about this opportunity.

You probably have already realized this through this blog, but we are asking for your help. We can’t go to India alone. We need a support system that can help make this trip happen. First and most importantly, we ask that you would join us in praying faithfully for our whole team and us as we prepare and go serve the people of India. If you would like to be a part of a prayer team for us, please send us an email to the email address at the end of this letter. We will send you specific requests as we prepare, and will surely update you upon our return.

We also desperately need your partnership financially. We each need to raise $2,200, which totals up to $4,400 for both of us. We ask that you would pray and ask the Lord how you can give, and do what he says. It’s an awkward and humbling thing to ask for financial help, but we know that God gives when we ask. We have some fundraisers planned for September and October, and will do our best to get the word out to all of you if you would like to be a part of those. However, we hope and pray that most of our funds come in through donations from people like you – those God has placed in our life to do life with, and that God would bless your giving tenfold.

So, would you partner with us? Will you be a part of the Howery team and join us on mission to serve and share the gospel with India? 

• PRAY: If you would like to pray with us and for us, we’d love to know! Send us an email to and.mrs.howery@gmail.com.
• GIVE: There are a few ways you can give:
  • You can give a cash or check donation directly to us in person or by mail if you don’t need it to be tax deductible.
  • If you would like a receipt for tax purposes, you can make your check out to 121 Community Church.  Simply write “2014 India Trip – Howery” in the memo line, and send it directly to us or to 121 Community Church at 840 Mustang Dr., Grapevine, TX 76051.
  • Online giving! Click HERE and follow the directions 🙂 Please know that the website we are using does take a small percentage out (4.9%), but the rest goes entirely to 121. Most, if not all, fundraising websites take a percentage out, and this is the one that other groups at 121 have used. This is tax-deductible giving, so you will receive a confirmation that you can use for your taxes.

Our first financial deadline is Monday, August 11 (just a few days away!) We need to have a deposit of $375 to secure our spot by then.

We love you all so much, and we are so thankful we can ask you to partner with us. We can’t wait to serve the people of India for God’s glory – what an honor! You are a treasure to us, and we thank God for you.

love, c&l

may i never forget.

WARNING: The post you are about to read contains extreme vulnerability of my soul. It’s really scary to put all of this out there, because I keep thinking about what you all will say or think. But, ultimately, it’s not about that. It’s about sharing a piece of the story God has given me. Proceed with caution.

——————————————————————————————————————————————————————-

I have never been in such a season of life as this.

Let’s preface. Neither I nor my husband have full-time jobs at the moment. We recently moved, and for the past 2 months, we both have been seeking full-time work. Gotta pay them bills. But, God outrageously provided exactly the amount we needed to survive through February right before we left our previous jobs/town – crazy, right? Not really, since He has ALWAYS provided – we saw it coming (because we know very well this characteristic of our Father), but still received it with immense joy and thankfulness.

But, a few extra, unexpected expenses have come up in the past few weeks. Things that have caused me to cling more and more to what I know about God…that He does always provide, that my dependence is upon Him and Him alone, and can’t be on the number of dollars we have in our checking account. That number has dwindled down as we have paid our normal bills, but hasn’t really gone up because…well, we don’t have steady income at the moment.

But, faithfully, He has provided. Charlie has gotten some odd jobs here and there (by the way, I can’t even express how proud and thankful I am for a husband who is willing to do whatever it takes), and some sweet friends have blessed us here and there. However, as I look at our color-coded calendar to see what bills are left to come in the end of the month, and how much we have in our account(s) right now, a lump in my throat comes up, my palms start sweating, and my heart begins to race.

“We don’t have enough money.”

As if on cue, the What-Ifs start singing. What if we don’t have money to pay these bills? What if something happens again with Charlie’s health? What if we don’t get jobs for another few months? What if we default on these payments? What if we lose our health insurance because we can’t afford the premium?

By singing, I really mean shouting.
Like a worried, angry mob.
To the tune of thrash metal.

(As I re-read my writing so far, I can’t help but feel like I am on a roller coaster…highs and lows…sorry if anyone is getting sick.)

I get really scared. And stressed. And I get scared at the level of stress I carry. And I get stressed at the fact that I worry, when I know I shouldn’t. I really struggle with that. Like, bad. To the point where it consumes me sometimes. I need you all to know that because this isn’t a story where everything comes together so perfect and so clean because I am faithful. No. I fully comprehend that Jesus says not to worry (Matthew 6:25-34), yet I do it, and I let my mind run free and spiral out of control in anxiety instead of taking thoughts captive (2 Corinthians 10:5) or bringing them directly to the Father (1 Peter 5:7). It’s not something that I want to tell you only because of pride, which is also dumb.

Anyway.

So, one of the blessings we have received recently is a gift card for groceries at Wal-Mart. Today was the day that I decided to go and replenish our pantry, while we have the means to do so. Normally, I don’t grocery shop alone, but Charlie was sleeping, due to an overnight shift through Labor Ready (which he will go back to do again tonight – God bless this man). I had my gift card in hand, and I begin to walk the aisles. As I added things to my cart, walked the aisles, praying that I would be able to get out of there under budget, it hit me –

Humility.

Like a ton of bricks. My eyes welled up, and I murmered, “keep it together, Howery. You’re not breaking down in the pasta aisle at WalMart.”

The heaviness of humility came because I was at a crossroads in my life that I have never been at before. Normally, I go to the grocery store with a strict but forgiving budget, knowing that I’ll get out of there with everything that I need and most of what I want. But this time, it was different. Not only can I not get anything I want, but our livelihood is at stake if I go over. Never have I had to consider the impact $50, even $5 makes on our bank account…

because at this point in the game, it’s not guaranteed that we will make $5 tomorrow.
Or the next day.

It’s not guaranteed that the money we spend will be replenishing itself every two weeks. We’re living in this constant state of dependence on God – literally – for our daily bread.

It may not seem this way to you. You may be reading this and thinking, “Sure, but you live in America, and you have people who care about you that won’t let you get to where you don’t have enough.” That’s very true. But never has God given me eyes to see this kind of dependence – the kind where we can’t rely on a biweekly, salaried paycheck (where we can bank on how much we get every month, no matter what)…the kind where we have to forgo any luxuries (even cheap fast food) just to make it to the end of the month. We literally do not have any wiggle room at this point. We really don’t know where next month’s expenses are going to come from. And if we didn’t have God and His promises, I’d be falling apart.

Instead, He has graciously allowed us to walk through this season, increasing our trust and our belief in the FACT that He truly does provide – through the church, through odd jobs, through refunds…unexpected ways. With each unexpected (and expected) reduction in our bank account, His promise resounds.

He has. He does. He will.

Even as I am writing all of this, I am overwhelmed. There’s just this reassuring whisper in my heart that attests to what God has made known about Himself in Scripture.

I get to glorify God with this. By sharing this with you all, I get to participate in taking what He has shown me and returning it to His feet as a fragrant offering of praise and glory to His name. I’m overwhelmed with being so honored. We get to be a living testimony of His goodness and provision, and how He isn’t just a god who barks out orders and expects us to honor them like robots, or who may or may not provide, depending on how he is feeling towards me based on how I measure up.

Our pastor has been teaching a series on prayer, and this past Sunday, we talked about the Lord’s prayer. As Ross talked specifically about Matthew 6:11 – Give us this day our daily bread – I was drawn to linger on those words. It’s so easy to trust that God will provide what we need when we have the stability/means of acquiring it ourselves, isn’t it? That’s not trusting God. That’s trusting a paycheck, which essentially is trusting in ourselves.

Through Christ, God has provided everything I will ever need spiritually. Because of His grace, He will provide everything I need physically.

We willingly walked away from comfort and stability into this really scary, unpredictable place that God called us to. And not an ounce of me regrets it. All we have left is trust in Him – and I think He did that on purpose. We don’t have a guaranteed source of income. We don’t have routine of bills coming out, money coming in. I think He stripped that comfort and security away in order to grow our trust and dependency on Him…if I were to guess at what He is doing. His ways aren’t mine.

I have never been in such a season of life as this

and I am so thankful.

Glory and Praise to God. He is teaching, sanctifying, and providing. He is so good.

May I never forget today. May I never forget what He is teaching me now, in this season, through these circumstances…what He is revealing about me and about Himself. May I never forget what this humility and thankfulness tastes like.

To echo the words of James (as he writes in Chapter 1), may I consider this trial pure joy…may I, as a believer in a humbled circumstance, take pride in this high position…may I (we) persevere under trial.

worship.

“Easter” meant two very important things in my small, elementary school mind:

A new dress
and
A big basket of awesome candy.

in other words, Easter was all about receiving gifts.

I mean, originally I thought that some creepy little bunny would sneak into our house (like Santa) and leave us some treasures. First of all, who would let a rabid rabbit into your home? I mean, did anyone think of disease or rabies, or is that just my anxious, pragmatic adult self? And why in the world would he want to leave me gifts? Does this rabbit even know me?

Did he know that I had a terrible tantrum earlier that week with my parents? Or that I selfishly fought with my sister and called her mean names? Did this bunny even know my life, much less care that I might not be worthy of any gift (edible or monetary) that he could give to me on this day known as Easter?

I didn’t care. My child self was all about what was going to be given to me. Sure, I made sure to thank Mom and Dad for the signed card. But, thanking this deliverer of good gifts (the Bunny) was out of my mind. I didn’t know this guy personally, I didn’t care to. Never once did I ask my parents if I could meet this bunny, give him a hug, and ask him why he wanted to give me things, or even want to try to repay him.

…

I praise the Lord that church isn’t just an event that my family attends on a twice-a-year basis now – thank you, Lord, for changing hearts. It’s real for my parents now. It’s real for me now. It’s real for my husband (who didn’t become a follower of Jesus until college, before we met). We gather with other believers to CELEBRATE the Lord, to praise Him, to learn more about Him and our place in His plan…

to worship Him.

worship.

Worship LOUD. Soft. In silence. With music. Through song. By prayer. In scripture. Painting. Dancing. Sharing. Loving. Serving. I am so thankful that worship isn’t limited.

I love music. I love leading people in worship alongside my husband through song. I can communicate easily and freely through music, and I am so blessed by the connection that I get to have with the Lord through it. It’s like a secret that I have with a best friend. An experience that I won’t ever have with anyone else. Whether its a full band with power notes, or the quietest singing of the simplest phrase. I love returning thanks and praising His name through song.

I think my most favorite truth/definition of worship is that it takes the focus off of us and puts it on God. I’ve really been thinking a lot about this lately. It’s not only that it can take the focus off of ourselves in the good kind of light, but even in the dark, bad, yucky one…right?

Let me explain.

Sometimes I think about how worshipping idols or self is exalting something’s awesomeness. We can look at something and say, “Wow. You are worthy of my time and affection and I love you so much.” But then, when we take the focus off of that and point it towards the Lord, the awesomeness of subject A decreases, and the awesomeness of God increases.

But what about this…what about when the thoughts of self-UNworthiness that consume heart and head turn to thoughts about worthiness and holiness of the Lord?

Stay with me.

You see, I have a tendency to focus on myself. But, I don’t just mean that I focus on how awesome I am. No. I have a tendency to focus on how awful I am. Like, I can sit and obsess over my imperfections, my shortcomings, even my sin. Seriously, if I chase that rabbit trail, the one-sided conversation in my head can last a long time.

But when I take all of that focus and energy on my sin and apply it to focusing on the truth and fact that

it is no more. finished. complete. gone. away. erased. forgiven. forgotten.

Gosh, there is so much more rejoicing in my spirit when I do that. Like, the kind of rejoicing that gets deep in my bones. My marrow rejoices!

In John 12, John writes that a large crowd came to meet Jesus with excitement and shouts of praise. But, I don’t feel like the “marrow-type” worship was coming from them….or the disciples. John writes that the disciples didn’t really understand what was going on, either. The huge crowd was there just because they heard that Jesus (you know, the guy who raised Lazarus from the dead) was going to be there. Maybe they had a surface level understanding of what was going on. I don’t  know, maybe some of them really and truly understood what Jesus was talking about, and what was going to happen. I’m not about to try to convince you either way. I mean, they were shouting praises and phrases like, “Blessed is He who comes in the name of the Lord!” These people were shouting,

Hosanna! Hosanna! 

I love this. “Hosanna” literally translates to “Horray for salvation!” Does your soul do this? Mine does! When I focus on God, on the good news of the gospel, I feel like the hands of my heart grab palm leaves and wave them frantically – just like those people did when Jesus was making his triumphant entry.

What a precedent to what was about to happen! These people had no idea how their world was about to be rocked. Wow. I’m excited that I can read this testimony and rejoice because I know the ending!

I feel like this is the core of Easter. We can’t truly worship without knowing and understanding who God is and what He has done for us. Holy week has worship weaving all through it. Can you see it? Worship through rejoicing at the arrival of a King. Worship through reverence at the sacrifice of a perfect and spotless lamb. Worship through glory revealed by a prophecy fulfilled, a promise kept, a resurrected and living Savior! 

I’m so glad that Easter is not about a bunny. Those edible and monetary gifts were nice things. But, I have received such a far greater, sweeter, richer gift…one that is lasting and not perishable, something that doesn’t ever lose value…by Someone who is completely and totally worthy of worship. 

husband.

Happy Valentine’s Day, Readers.

Now, I know that so many people have so many different views about Valentine’s Day. Some love it, some hate it, some take it, some leave it. Well, today, I’d like to splatter my feelings about my husband all over my blog…in that sloppy, heartfelt, gushy, romantic sort of way.

Before I do that, I’d like to point out that sometimes, I’m not very good at loving my husband. This morning, I decided to park it in 1 John and read about love…the love God has for us, the love we should have for our brothers, for God’s commands, for Jesus…I love that it isn’t an oppressive, burdensome thing. I think that sometimes I forget that.

I’m gonna repeat that.

Loving God, His commandments, His people, His cause…isn’t a burdensome thing.

Charlie and I were talking about how it isn’t ironic that the opposite of burdensome is a light yoke. Sometimes, I tend to revert to a legalistic point of view about my relationship with the Lord (thankful that repentance isn’t limited to 1 time)…it becomes a burden…no, a plethora of burdens…to walk with and abide in the Father.

Do this, read this for this many minutes, don’t forget to analyze and mull over it. Pull out a meaning, then it is worth something. Throw up all these things in prayer – so many requests, and you have to pray for all of them. Yes, You. Perform this task, say this to this person…worship this way, do this, do that.

Blech. It makes me want to vomit that my heart becomes so hard sometimes. (Thankful for grace, and an ongoing sanctification that won’t ever end because God isn’t a quitter on me.) I just need to quit listening to myself sometimes.

Anyway, back to love and it’s burdensome characteristics. Why is it so easy for me to relay the truth to others that God is so loving and forgiving and that His way is light, when some (if not most…let’s be honest) days, I can’t even see or cling to that truth? I hate that.

I want to love Jesus well. Really, and truly. Deep in my heart there is this desire to please the King. But, I think this morning showed me that I don’t have to try. He’s already pleased with me (really? Are you sure?) Yes.

Yes.

Let that sink in all of our hearts.

A huge, resounding YES.

We can only love, mull, read, pray, dig, think, etc. etc. – because He started it.

His love transcends. It’s big. It’s real. It’s unending.

Can we disappoint the Father? Hmm. We can grieve the Spirit, we can quench the Spirit, we can sin. I’m not so sure how to answer this question.

All I know is that He loves me. As crazy as that is to think about sometimes, I know that He loves me and won’t let me go. He started something in me, and He’s going to finish it. Praise God.

 

Okay, so without further rabbit chasing, I present to you….
My Husband.

I love this man.

– He loves Jesus. It wouldn’t make sense or be fair for me to say anything else about him if you don’t know that He loves Jesus. He messes up, he sins…he’s a real person, he isn’t perfect. But, boy, does this man love Jesus and desire to do things His way. I love that so much about him…it spurs me on. It reminds me. It makes me question, and when I sin, it makes me uncomfortable. It is grounding to me, and I am forever thankful for that.

– He is a quiet guy. I love this because I am loud, and most of the time that’s pretty annoying. His quietness reminds me of how I can be quiet and gentle. And, I like that.

– He is so funny. Y’all. He makes me laugh…in really weird ways sometimes, but even just his laugh makes me laugh. We like to watch videos about baby goats and other funny animals…we have inside jokes, and a lot of times, he catches me off guard with his humor…like, it wasn’t expected. We have a good time together.

– He drives me crazy sometimes. Sometimes, we clash in the communication department…just being real here. But, iron sharpens iron…and it’s painful sometimes. But, I feel like we always walk away with another step under our feet, you know? We learn from it. I know that God had total purpose in pairing us together for this reason (among many others).

– He keeps me grounded. Simple as that.

– Y’all, he is going to be a great daddy someday. I really dream about that sometimes. I see him interact with other kids, and I know that it will be a little different with our own, but in a good way. It’s gonna be a fun time.

– He is so tender. I was thanking the Lord this morning for his tenderness. I confess that sometimes I tell him that he isn’t being tender, but with my pride aside, he is really tender in his core. He genuinely cares about people and circumstances, and tenderness pours out of him.

– He doesn’t do things that I expect him to do. I really struggled with this for a long time (and still do sometimes), but it has really been teaching me to let go of expectations and show grace…so that’s a good, growing thing.

– He is clean. Great, great hygiene. I like that. I know if we have sons, he’ll teach them that.

– I like to encourage him. I really enjoy that. I like surprising him, and giving him gifts, and making him laugh.

– He’s a great guy to be around. I’ve never known another person on this earth in my lifetime where everyone loves him, genuinely. Seriously, I’ve never known someone who didn’t have a kind word to say about him. If that isn’t something, I don’t know what is. Sheesh, that’s a blessing.

…….

I could go on and on, but going over all these things about Charlie really makes me want to spend some time with him before he has to leave. So, I’m gonna go do that.

Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone. Don’t just love people extra-special today – do it everyday.

humility

I really feel like there is a difference between embarrassment and humiliation.

As a “writer,” I feel that I should go into detail with a comparison of two moments of my life so that you, the reader, could gain some insight into the aforementioned thought…or, just have yourself a little laugh.

I was in 2nd grade, and my family was living in Maryland. My mom’s parents live on a farm in Saint Jo, TX, and that year, we decided to spend Christmas at the farm. It’s only fitting that a girl in 2nd grade would ask for a pink cowgirl hat and white cowgirl boots (with the tassels  for her Christmas farm adventure. So, I did, and I got them. And the only thing my little 2nd grade heart knew to do was to go put on my gear and ride….Ride like the wind. Like a boss. Into the sunset. On a horse. Or a pony. But, Granny and Paw-Paw didn’t own ponies…or horses. They owned cows. Mom thought it would be a great idea to make the substitution…so, armed with her camera, she put me on Sugar (the cow). 

Did I ride? 

No.

One little move from Sugar, and I flipped off of the back, fell on my arm and into cow poop. 

I broke my arm by falling off of a cow.

Oh, and before we left for the hospital, my mom proceeded to take off my clothes (covered in cow poop) in the living room in front of my grandfather. (Yes, Mom, this happened – I vividly remember!)

Oh, and when we went to the hospital, my mother had to explain to the doctors and nurses that I fell off of a cow.

Oh, and when we went back to Maryland, we had to tell THOSE doctors and nurses that I fell off a cow.

And my teachers.

The embarrassment seeped its way and made its home in this little 2nd grade girl’s heart, and it grew up with me, and to this day it still reminds me of itself. I mean, it keeps haunting me! My mother shared this story just last week with my mother-in-law and my Graham-mom. 

I’m sitting on my couch as I recount that story. It’s 9:15 PM, and my husband is asleep on this mega-bed-couch that we have created in our living room to provide him some comfort. I feel like I’ve learned a lot about humility and humbling experiences through this one big chapter of our life together called Crohn’s. 

For the past month, I’ve watched a man walk through the trenches of this disease. And, when you’re in the hospital, you get a punch in the face you feel when you realize that you can’t even do easy things by yourself, and realization of the importance of the people who can help you.

Isn’t that the core of humility? The lowered perception of self, and the elevated glorification of someone else. I don’t believe that this took place in 2nd grade. I think it was the lowered perception of self, but no one else was elevated….Sugar DEFINITELY wasn’t elevated.

I think it happened today.

We got to go home from the hospital today. I drove ever so gingerly, as I saw that with each bump, Husband winced. Aside from that, all I could think about was everything that needed to be done. We left our home in a complete wreck – when we left, I knew we would be coming back in 24 hours, so I would just take care of everything then. I had it all planned on how I could keep myself busy while Husband rested and slept.

Sidenote: I literally rearranged the hospital room furniture 7 times while we were there. He slept a lot. I kept busy.

We pulled up to the house, and I got the mail. I opened what would be the first of many bills that we would receive….from our hospital visit in December. That was hospital visit #1…out of 3.

I then opened a card from some sweet friends. They wrote a note about how they want us to know that we are loved, and that they want to walk with us through this time. The card also had a check enclosed.

Sometimes, you just don’t even know what to say when someone gives you something. It’s very…humiliating.

But, not in a bad way. Just in a humiliating way.

Just as immediately as my little mind began to fret over numbers, and the mounds of bills we would be receiving, it was like God was putting a finger to my mouth and saying, “Shhh, my child. Here.” – and not in a pity way.

God doesn’t give because he pities us.

Did you hear that? It’s not because he looks at us and thinks, “Look at this stupid screw-up. Why can’t they just trust me? Here you go, kid” and thrusts something at us to keep us occupied.

He graciously gives. We don’t deserve it! Goodness. He gives, and it points us back to him. To the cross. To grace…that beautiful, aromatic unmerited favor that completely goes against everything our flesh says is correct and just.

As if that little piece of grace in paper form wasn’t enough, just wait until I tell you what happened when we got to our home.

I was going to open the front door while Charlie took his time to get out of the car. I went to put the key in the door, and I realized that my wreath was gone! Instead, a new door decor took its place. I didn’t even have to go inside the house to see that things were….different.

Reader, someone had gotten into our house and completely cleaned it. I’m not even alarmed at the fact that someone got into our house without a key. I’m so taken aback by God’s gift in servant-form. Laundry was done, dishes were cleaned, bed was made, bathroom was scrubbed, floor was swept. Not only that, but notes pointing to Jesus were left all over, and other gifts were left for us to enjoy.

I would like to share with you what happened next, but it’s one of those times that me, Charlie, and Jesus will share for forever between us.

To the person who did this, I have something to say.

Because of your obedience to what God placed on your heart, I was able to rest and serve my husband without distraction. You enabled me to fix dinner in a clean kitchen, put the dirty clothes from the hospital immediately into the washer, and allowed us to rearrange our furniture without having to move a whole bunch of stuff out of the way. We can crawl into bed tonight without having to fix the sheets. We came into a lovely smelling home. 

We prayed for you this evening – may God totally and completely bless you for your obedience…but not with empty blessings….but with blessings that would draw your heart to His, and would bring Glory to His name. It was totally clear to Husband and I that this took place today.

We don’t know who did this, and that’s okay. I’m not going to try to find out. But if I do, I will never bring it up to you, because obviously you want to remain anonymous. I also cannot and will not ever try to pay you back for this. I am humbled, and I have nothing to offer. Somehow, I feel like you know that. You totally reflected Jesus to me and Husband, and the only thing left we can say is 

Thank you.

So, here’s where I bring it back to humility. Seriously, our house was disgusting. Whoever cleaned our home saw a side of my life that I clean up every time someone comes over. At first, the thought of someone seeing the dirtiness of my home was completely embarrassing.

I want people to know that I’m clean! I don’t ever leave dirty underwear on the bathroom floor, and I don’t ever leave the bed unmade, and trash is always taken out, and groceries are always put away.

Someone saw the dirtiness of my life. And yet, they decided to clean it, no questions asked.

It’s sort of….freeing. And unbelievable. But, I had to let go of the fact that someone saw my unkept house and didn’t run away.

Isn’t that so like Christ? Jesus sees the depths of our soul. The nasty, unkept, hidden parts of our hearts and minds. The stuff NO ONE will ever know or see. And He wants to clean it.

He graciously cleans us up, without any means of pay back. The debt has been paid. The ransom filled.

Come now, let us reason together, says the LORD: though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool. [Isaiah 1:18]

I felt shame at first when I walked into a totally clean house. Embarrassed. Sometimes, I feel that with Jesus.

Jesus, do you see this ugly in me? It’s awful. I’m so sorry you have to see all of this. I can’t even fix this. I wish I could’ve tidied up before you got here.

We mustn’t forget that there is no shame in Christ. He delights in us. We don’t have to feel shame that Jesus comes into our dirty house. He cleans it up. Graciously.

I feel like when someone is truly humbled, only then can they be a recipient of grace.

Grace.

We have seen humility today. And through that, we have received grace. We were made low; He was exalted – humility at its core.

Praise God. May He always receive the glory. May He always be exalted.

He must increase, but I must decrease [John 3:30]

sleep.

I don’t think I’ve slept for 8 solid, consecutive hours in a very long time…probably not since before we were married.

At first, the sleeplessness was just a result of newness and excitement. It was just part of being newly married. I remember Charlie and I would wake up at 4:30, stare at each other and giggle – sleepovers with your best friend under the marital covenant are still really, really awesome.

Then, it was just a result of stress. When you have a stressful job, you tend to have some sleepless nights…especially when you are on edge, preparing yourself for the “what-if” of an unexpected phone call from a student overseas who missed their connecting flight, or who lost their entire group after a taxi ride in an unfamiliar city.

But then, it was because my other half couldn’t sleep. Pain, moaning, getting up, discomfort…and it didn’t even stop when he decided to make his bed in the living room. And it wasn’t that I woke up because I was annoyed. Thankfully, it wasn’t ever really that. It was because he was hurting, and I couldn’t do a single thing about it. There have been more than a few nights were I would fall asleep rubbing his back, trying to soothe him back to sleep.

These nights have become a part of our routine. All too suddenly, it wasn’t unexpected anymore to only get a few hours of sleep, if that. (Maybe this is a good thing, because it definitely could be preparing us for parenthood, God willing.)

Last night was a little different. I’d like to share it with you, if you don’t mind. We stayed the night with some dear, God-sent friends of ours (you know, the kind of friends where distance doesn’t really matter, and every conversation is a continuation of the last – the rich, deep, Heaven-ward kind of friendship) – we had to be at the Gastroenterologist office in Flower Mound the next morning.  So, Charlie took the recliner (unfortunately, that’s the best thing for him to sleep on), and I took the couch.

Charlie had been stirring all night, but then at around 3:00, it became physically unbearable to sleep through his pain (for both of us). I sat up, and he came and sat by me. I started rubbing his back, and praying fervently for healing, rest, peace – the only thing I know to do when he is in pain. Oh, how helpless I feel – how little I can do! We don’t say much at first. There isn’t much we can say. We just know.

And then, those hot, painful tears start forming and dropping (sidenote: this has also become a very familiar part of my daily routine these last few weeks). I start silently questioning, as if I can fight and win this battle against a God who isn’t seemingly present, doesn’t obviously care, and won’t for whatever reason hear my cry (and everyone else who has been praying) to heal my husband.

I just don’t understand. My faith felt so small in this moment. Why won’t You do something? Why can’t he feel relief, just for one night? How can this be a part of your will? How does this reflect Your goodness? Are you even listening? Is my cry not righteous enough for you to turn a listening ear?

And then, unbeknownst to me, these questions started coming out of my mouth…verbally. My husband (God, bless this man – he is so faithful to You and so quick to encourage with Your word) ever so gently and quietly responded,

He has done more than enough. He has saved me.

Those words gripped my heart and choked me speechless. What an astounding truth.

This man

who has felt constant pain for the past few months
who has not had consecutive, non-medically-induced sleep since months ago

can still see truth, and cling to it.

Oh, how forgetful I am. How quick I am to be bitter and angry, and question God’s goodness. How easy it is for me to cling to anger, like a little girl who didn’t get to have the candy she picked out. How selfish am I, to consider my ways higher than His. How ignorant.

Sometimes, I have a tendency to listen to myself, rather than talk to myself. I have a tendency to not question the things that pass through my mind. I have a tendency to not test them against the Word. I have a tendency to just listen, and go along with what they say. That, my friends, is a dangerous game to play.

But this morning, at 3:30 AM, I stopped listening.

I started reassuring myself of God’s truth, of His promises. His character. His faithfulness. His goodness. He is Father. He is a good, good Father. He is here. He is present. He listens.

Gosh, sometimes these things sound so foreign running through my head. Is he really present? Does he really listen? YES.

And as the promises of God’s truth ran through my head at 3:30 AM, the room became quiet. The groans from my husband faded. The rustling of trying to find some smidge of comfort ceased.

Are you in pain?

No.

Are you asleep?

Quiet.

He fell asleep. He slept for a glorious 2 hours. And as I lay there, silently, I thanked God over and over for that small ounce of hope, that still, small encouragement to my faith in who He is.

And I slept.

And he slept.

Peacefully.

I don’t know what tomorrow holds. I don’t know if there will be surgery. I don’t know what is going to happen. But just as it was this morning (and again in the doctor’s office), God’s word is true. His promises are unfailing, unfaltering.

He is good.
His ways are good.
He is present.
He listens.
He loves.

Hello, again.

I’ve forgotten how much I love music. 

I hate that, in the busyness of life, I have let go of a lot of my hobbies. Granted, some of them have grown – I have really experienced myself in creating yummy recipes…but, I feel like the creative outlet is plugged with unwanted stuff.

I think that’s why I started a blog. Maybe? So that I could just Drano the crud out of my plugged drain for the creative juices. Okay, too many metaphors there. But, you see what I mean? 

And, unfortunately, the busyness of my life hinders me from even being able to do this! (See the date on my last post, and you’ll understand.)

Anyway, back to the music. I used to looooooove just taking an afternoon off of class and listening to music. Sometimes, I’d clean while doing so….sometimes, I wouldn’t. Actually, more times that not, I wouldn’t clean. Ha. But, I like to do things while I’m listening to music. And, yes, I AM listening to music right now. 

NOW PLAYING: These Hands by In the Depths. 

I think I’ve been super overwhelmed lately. But, it’s funny, because I’ve been spending much more time in the Word and in prayer (by myself and with my husband) than ever before. I truly believe that Jesus is my sanity. He is my peace. I know that I can come to Him and find relief…even though that doesn’t mean that I’ll always hear the direct answer. I can come to him with all of my suitcases of worry and stress and questions and unpack them at the foot of the cross. So, why is it so hard to do that when things AREN’T hard? 

Self-reliance v.s. dependency. That’s why. We are self-reliant. 

Maybe it’ll get easier! (I decided to put an exclamation point instead of a question mark…it just seemed more promising)…I think sometimes I can just come to the Lord with my question marks and exclamation points and periods and commas…He’ll take them.

I also miss writing music. The above paragraph really sounded like it could fit into music somewhere…even if there aren’t any words. Maybe life will slow down at some point to pick that up again. 

I find myself planning all of these things to do before we start having children…you know, to get habits established before kiddos come so that I can try my hardest to keep those habits. Want to see my list? 

• Organic eating. Like, total organic. No processed anything. Except Heinz ketchup. It’s irreplaceable in my heart and stomach.
• Working out. Even writing it on this blog makes me giggle.
• House cleaning. 
• Being crafty and creative….which, I realize, encompasses a lot…but, it could happen.
• Consistent quiet times. If there were numbers, this would be number 1, even though it didn’t come to mind first. And, not so much the consistency of having it at the same time every day, because in my life that’s pretty unrealistic…but to daily spend time in the word, and to be constant in prayer. Some weeks are better than other. Isn’t is silly that I evaluate my success at quiet times on a weekly basis? It’s because I’m a fallen human being that is being continually rescued from the falsehood of legalism. 

Well, I think I should probably get back to what I’m doing. More at some point!

Hello…and other stuff.

I think…no, I know….that I’ve been wanting to blog for a long time. I honestly don’t even mind who reads this, either…as if anyone is actually reading it but myself and my husband (hi, honey!).

I feel like I should introduce myself.

Hello. I’m Laura.

My parents pronounce it LAH-RAH, and my husband pronounces it LOR-AH. I don’t mind either way. I’ll answer to just about anything.

I’m a rule-follower. I think that’s the appropriate first thing to know about me. Actually, the first thing you should know about me is that I’m a believer in Jesus. I think I have a hesitancy to put “follower” of Jesus because I know how much I fail Him…even on a daily basis. I also think that I think too much. I know how desperately I need the grace of Jesus, and I’m reminded of that daily. I have sinned against a Holy and just God. I deserve death. But, thanks be to God that through the life, death, and resurrection of Christ Jesus I have hope in this life and in eternity. I think I’m still learning what all that entails. No, I know I’m still learning what all that entails.

I’m a rule follower, but sometimes I say no to the Lord. Isn’t that ridiculous?

My husband and I were at a Texas Rangers baseball game on Sunday night. We climbed up to the VERRRRRY top (seriously, no more rows of seats – the very top!) and found two bodies in the seat numbers 7 & 8 – otherwise known as our paid and ticketed seats. My husband lovingly reassured me that sitting in the empty seats right in front of them would be no problem.

I think at that point, my heart sort of sunk into my stomach. I was so worried. Here’s my thought process:

They took our seats. A couple of people are going to climb up those stairs any minute, huffing and puffing like we were, only to find two bodies in their ticketed seats. Then, they will look around awkwardly and confused and ask us to make sure of our tickets. Then we will have to confront the people behind us and awkwardly ask them to move from our seats, after we (i.e. my husband) told them it was okay for them to take them! ARRHGASODU889YUHJNWRESFPDOJKNAISDKUFHAJSDFASIDF.

…which is exactly what happened.

Oh, but minutes later, some dear friends of ours were sitting across the stadium (in the ridiculously bright and hot sun) and said that there were two seats right next to theirs! A tempting offer…my husband, even after the exact situation we just went through, was highly considering it. But, because I learned from my mistake, I said no, recapped what just happened, and said no again.

Text Message: “Sorry guys, seats were just taken by ticketholders.” (…or something like that.)

I was relieved. But then I thought about this….why doesn’t this apply to me in my walk with Christ? Why am I so unreserved to make the same mistake over and over? Why is it so effortless and okay in my heart and mind for me to say “No, God, I’m going to spit on your holiness and be ugly to my husband again,” or, “Sorry, God – my way of refusing to serve this person is BETTER than your way of saying yes and serving them…

Thank God for grace. Oh goodness.

King Jesus, I want to learn more about the grace You give. Please let me learn. I know I don’t always sit down as many times as I think I should…but I want to understand as much as You’ll let me. Amen.

I think something you, as the reader, should be aware of is that I also want to make this a prayer journal. So, sometimes I might make it private….can I do that? I don’t know. I’ll find out.

You’ll learn more as I write, and as you read….funny, isn’t that how our relationship is with the Lord? Or, like a dating relationship. This is our first date. I think it went rather nicely. Sorry for spilling so much. I don’t really have filters when it comes to sharing how I feel. Maybe I’ll learn that.

My goals for this blog….to share Jesus, to share about what He is doing in my life, to pray, to put my questions down on paper…or, um, computer screen. Please forgive me if I don’t blog religiously. I have a full-time job, and I am a wife. I’m also a lover of cooking, so I’ll probably post about that, too. This is just like an Everything Bagel….but an Everything Blog.

Speaking of food, I need to go get dinner started.

g&p (grace and peace)