WARNING: The post you are about to read contains extreme vulnerability of my soul. It’s really scary to put all of this out there, because I keep thinking about what you all will say or think. But, ultimately, it’s not about that. It’s about sharing a piece of the story God has given me. Proceed with caution.
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I have never been in such a season of life as this.
Let’s preface. Neither I nor my husband have full-time jobs at the moment. We recently moved, and for the past 2 months, we both have been seeking full-time work. Gotta pay them bills. But, God outrageously provided exactly the amount we needed to survive through February right before we left our previous jobs/town – crazy, right? Not really, since He has ALWAYS provided – we saw it coming (because we know very well this characteristic of our Father), but still received it with immense joy and thankfulness.
But, a few extra, unexpected expenses have come up in the past few weeks. Things that have caused me to cling more and more to what I know about God…that He does always provide, that my dependence is upon Him and Him alone, and can’t be on the number of dollars we have in our checking account. That number has dwindled down as we have paid our normal bills, but hasn’t really gone up because…well, we don’t have steady income at the moment.
But, faithfully, He has provided. Charlie has gotten some odd jobs here and there (by the way, I can’t even express how proud and thankful I am for a husband who is willing to do whatever it takes), and some sweet friends have blessed us here and there. However, as I look at our color-coded calendar to see what bills are left to come in the end of the month, and how much we have in our account(s) right now, a lump in my throat comes up, my palms start sweating, and my heart begins to race.
“We don’t have enough money.”
As if on cue, the What-Ifs start singing. What if we don’t have money to pay these bills? What if something happens again with Charlie’s health? What if we don’t get jobs for another few months? What if we default on these payments? What if we lose our health insurance because we can’t afford the premium?
By singing, I really mean shouting.
Like a worried, angry mob.
To the tune of thrash metal.
(As I re-read my writing so far, I can’t help but feel like I am on a roller coaster…highs and lows…sorry if anyone is getting sick.)
I get really scared. And stressed. And I get scared at the level of stress I carry. And I get stressed at the fact that I worry, when I know I shouldn’t. I really struggle with that. Like, bad. To the point where it consumes me sometimes. I need you all to know that because this isn’t a story where everything comes together so perfect and so clean because I am faithful. No. I fully comprehend that Jesus says not to worry (Matthew 6:25-34), yet I do it, and I let my mind run free and spiral out of control in anxiety instead of taking thoughts captive (2 Corinthians 10:5) or bringing them directly to the Father (1 Peter 5:7). It’s not something that I want to tell you only because of pride, which is also dumb.
Anyway.
So, one of the blessings we have received recently is a gift card for groceries at Wal-Mart. Today was the day that I decided to go and replenish our pantry, while we have the means to do so. Normally, I don’t grocery shop alone, but Charlie was sleeping, due to an overnight shift through Labor Ready (which he will go back to do again tonight – God bless this man). I had my gift card in hand, and I begin to walk the aisles. As I added things to my cart, walked the aisles, praying that I would be able to get out of there under budget, it hit me –
Humility.
Like a ton of bricks. My eyes welled up, and I murmered, “keep it together, Howery. You’re not breaking down in the pasta aisle at WalMart.”
The heaviness of humility came because I was at a crossroads in my life that I have never been at before. Normally, I go to the grocery store with a strict but forgiving budget, knowing that I’ll get out of there with everything that I need and most of what I want. But this time, it was different. Not only can I not get anything I want, but our livelihood is at stake if I go over. Never have I had to consider the impact $50, even $5 makes on our bank account…
because at this point in the game, it’s not guaranteed that we will make $5 tomorrow.
Or the next day.
It’s not guaranteed that the money we spend will be replenishing itself every two weeks. We’re living in this constant state of dependence on God – literally – for our daily bread.
It may not seem this way to you. You may be reading this and thinking, “Sure, but you live in America, and you have people who care about you that won’t let you get to where you don’t have enough.” That’s very true. But never has God given me eyes to see this kind of dependence – the kind where we can’t rely on a biweekly, salaried paycheck (where we can bank on how much we get every month, no matter what)…the kind where we have to forgo any luxuries (even cheap fast food) just to make it to the end of the month. We literally do not have any wiggle room at this point. We really don’t know where next month’s expenses are going to come from. And if we didn’t have God and His promises, I’d be falling apart.
Instead, He has graciously allowed us to walk through this season, increasing our trust and our belief in the FACT that He truly does provide – through the church, through odd jobs, through refunds…unexpected ways. With each unexpected (and expected) reduction in our bank account, His promise resounds.
He has. He does. He will.
Even as I am writing all of this, I am overwhelmed. There’s just this reassuring whisper in my heart that attests to what God has made known about Himself in Scripture.
I get to glorify God with this. By sharing this with you all, I get to participate in taking what He has shown me and returning it to His feet as a fragrant offering of praise and glory to His name. I’m overwhelmed with being so honored. We get to be a living testimony of His goodness and provision, and how He isn’t just a god who barks out orders and expects us to honor them like robots, or who may or may not provide, depending on how he is feeling towards me based on how I measure up.
Our pastor has been teaching a series on prayer, and this past Sunday, we talked about the Lord’s prayer. As Ross talked specifically about Matthew 6:11 – Give us this day our daily bread – I was drawn to linger on those words. It’s so easy to trust that God will provide what we need when we have the stability/means of acquiring it ourselves, isn’t it? That’s not trusting God. That’s trusting a paycheck, which essentially is trusting in ourselves.
Through Christ, God has provided everything I will ever need spiritually. Because of His grace, He will provide everything I need physically.
We willingly walked away from comfort and stability into this really scary, unpredictable place that God called us to. And not an ounce of me regrets it. All we have left is trust in Him – and I think He did that on purpose. We don’t have a guaranteed source of income. We don’t have routine of bills coming out, money coming in. I think He stripped that comfort and security away in order to grow our trust and dependency on Him…if I were to guess at what He is doing. His ways aren’t mine.
I have never been in such a season of life as this
and I am so thankful.
Glory and Praise to God. He is teaching, sanctifying, and providing. He is so good.
May I never forget today. May I never forget what He is teaching me now, in this season, through these circumstances…what He is revealing about me and about Himself. May I never forget what this humility and thankfulness tastes like.
To echo the words of James (as he writes in Chapter 1), may I consider this trial pure joy…may I, as a believer in a humbled circumstance, take pride in this high position…may I (we) persevere under trial.
agoodgirlneedsgracetoo 